QUIZ: Is your Girlfriend a Psycho Hose Beast, or a Sex Crazed Demon Fae?

The line between a normal girl, a psycho, and a sex crazed thousand year old succubus is a thin one.  What is a young virgin to do?  Take our quiz so you can know whether to buy a ring, or buy a forged passport and a plane ticket.

QUESTION 1: After spending several hours marching through a dank fetid swamp does your girl:

1. Tell you to take a shower.
2. Make you stand naked on the porch while she sprays you with cold hose water.
3. Writhe beneath you, lithe and langorous.

QUESTION 2: When making love how does your girl set the mood?

1. Candles, soft music, lingerie.
2. A bucket of KFC, Led Zepplin IV, a pack of menthols, and an air mattress in the back of her pickup truck.
3. A haunting melody.  Lyrics in a tongue that no human ear can understand.

QUESTION 3: When your girl touched you, how do you feel?

1. Warm, loved, and safe.
2. Exhausted, sore, slightly humiliated.
3. Like a lute string tuned too tight, ready to break.

QUESTION 4: Her eyes are like?

1. Two pools of starlight, inviting you home.
2. Like a tiger’s eyes.  Ready to pounce.
3. Blue within blue eyes as dark as ink; iris, pupils, and all.  Eyelids made of butterfly’s wings.

QUESTION 5: Her voice is like?

1. She sounds like a woman.
2. She sounds like a drunk sailor, only with a slightly higher pitch.
3. She speaks in lowercase letters; soft, high, and clear.  Her voice carries equally across a small room or an immense canyon.

QUESTION 6: The first time you made love was like?

1. Sweet.  All innocent fumbling and exploration as you come to know each others bodies.
2. Angry.
3. You instantly become a love making expert; the kind only found in romance novels.  You cum seven times.  All this despite being a virgin.

QUESTION 7: When you find you have to leave does your love:

1. Send you off with a kiss?
2. Send you off with a tracking bug secretly planted under the hood of your car?
3. Hit you with magical fairy sex magic that makes you forget you have a family, life, or free will; binding you to her for eternity?

SCORING: Add up all of your points from all seven questions.  Use the legend below to determine if your girlfriend is a normal girl, a psycho hose beast, or a sex crazed demon fae who will consume your mind and will before you suffer agonizing and orgasmic death.

• 7-9 POINTS: Put a ring on it already.  You lucky bastard!
• 10-11 POINTS: Maybe you should date for a little longer before making any commitments.
• 12-18 POINTS: Create an escape plan.  Call the police.  Prepare a will.
• 19-21 POINTS: Relax and enjoy it.  You’re going to die anyway.  You lucky bastard!

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