December 29, 2019 | 5:08pm
BALTIMORE – Longing for the day when nobility and honor held meaning, Hosteen Frey bemoans the cancel culture that led to his father’s demise at the hands of the Starks. “My father was a loving man. A family man. A big family man. And they cancelled him. By which I mean they killed him.” Mr. Frey continued to speak, visibly shaken. “It’s a hard time to be a landed lord. Take Ramsay Bolton for example. He tried to restore the Stark ancestral home. But, if they don’t like something you say, people will just cancel you. And by, ‘cancel you’ I mean feed you to your own dogs.”
Mr. Frey is not alone. Several fantasy characters have made similar complaints in recent years. On Earth, during the Hyborian Age, Thulsa Doom was cancelled after his religion didn’t “work out.” Though, there is some debate as to whether it was actually Thulsa Doom or Thoth-Amon. In Roshar the Brightlord Torol Sadeas was recently cancelled as well. Many saw Sadeas as a competent and efficient leader; a unifying force in the war against the Parshendi. His body was discovered alone in a hallway. As is often the case, no one is quite sure who is doing the cancelling.
“Who are these people who think that they can withhold our noble rights by cancelling us,” shouted Ambrose Jakis. “I tried to cancel this ginger boy at the University. It’s not as easy as you think.” Ambrose curled his lip and flipped a gold mark in the air. “These people are merely ants. Our power cannot be so easily squashed.” Mr. Jakis then asked my intern if she liked poetry and tried to stare down her blouse. Despite his confidence, it should be noted that some of the most powerful forces within the entire world of fiction have been cancelled when they ran afoul of the masses. Leto II of Arrakis was cancelled even though he had previously lived for 3,500 years and was thought to be a god.
“They claim to be informed and enlightened, but the body count shows the true barbarism of this new threat,” claims Mr. Frey. “These fools aren’t threatening to take away our lands and titles. They are taking our lives. All because they disagree with our way of life. If we’d have known they were going to get this upset about it, we wouldn’t have bothered to give them bread and salt.”
Mr. Frey and his cohort claim to be worried about what will happen to fantasy fiction when characters don’t have the freedom to express nobility and righteousness as is their right. “George R. R. Martin himself gave me this castle. If that doesn’t give me the right to kill my enemies, what then? Next thing you know I won’t be able to kills dragons because they’re ‘endangered’, or women.”
We tried to speak with some of the more progressive forces in fiction to provide a counterpoint, but most weren’t interested in going on record. Luke Skywalker was nowhere to be found. Rand Al’Thor stated that we should ask Mat Cauthon and Perrin Aybara, as they were “better at this sort of thing.” Conan the Barbarian stated, “Dee prahlim eest dee lemonstations ovs zee wimin.” Beric Dondarrion stated, “Please cancel me.” It appears they have both gone “brain soft.” We tracked down Adolin Kholin from Roshar to ask for his perspective on the cancelling of Torol Sadeas. His response? “No comment.”
We were able to find a few who were brave enough to go on record. Malky of the Bene Tleilax stated, “The Atreides reign of terror claimed over 60 billion lives. Frankly, I stopped reading after God Emperor.” Arya Stark commented, “What these men don’t understand is that it’s not what you say. It’s what’s on the inside that counts. In the case of Hosteen Frey, it’s his nephews.” A red headed kid from Imre volunteered his opinion. “People tell me that Ambrose is a man. He appears to have hands; wears shoes. And I hear he has a great deal of money. Still, the fact remains that there is only one donkey in Imre, and I have never seen Ambrose Jakis and that donkey in the same room together.” But, perhaps Jasnah Kholin said it best when she said, “Why say, ‘cancel?’ Say what you mean. You mean, ‘kill.’ And, frankly, I’m all for it.”
